Not true. I went from tampons to pads real quick.

There’s so much you don’t know when you get pregnant, and no one really goes into it thinking, oh yeah, xyz could happen to me. You hear about things, sure, but it always feels like something that happens to other people.

When I got pregnant, I remember thinking about my twin sister’s experience with hyperemesis gravidarum 9 years ago. It was excruciating for her. I prayed that wouldn’t be my story. Honestly, I’m so glad I never experienced vomiting during my pregnancy. It’s legit one of my fears… I always think I’m going to choke on my own vomit and be found dead alone. Morbid, but true lol.

Thankfully, it wasn’t. But that doesn’t mean things were smooth either.

Because I ended up dealing with something I had never even heard of before — a subchorionic hematoma. Which, at the time, meant absolutely nothing to me. All I knew was that I was bleeding. A lot of it. smh. And it was scary. I didn’t know what it meant at the time, but this is essentially what was happening.

When it first happened, I thought I was miscarrying. I felt awful. I remember taking a shower that night, trying to calm myself down, and calling the nurse on call. She reassured me that since the bleeding had slowed and turned brown, it could be okay. That gave me just enough hope to get through the night until my appointment the next morning.

From what I understand now, a subchorionic hematoma is essentially a pocket of blood that forms between the uterus and the placenta. It’s actually more common than I realized, but no one really talks about it until you’re in it.

Again, how was I supposed to know this was even a thing? And for some women, they don’t even bleed it out, it just disappears. They must be God’s favourites.

At one point, I really felt like the woman with the issue of blood in the Bible, iykyk.

Up until my miscarriage, I bled. Then my first period post loss came three weeks later. Add in a uterine fibroid sitting in my uterine cavity causing even more bleeding… I mean, that’s a post on its own. More on that later.

And when you’re in it, it feels like everything is happening all at once.

There’s the physical side, the bleeding, the discomfort, the constant awareness of your body. But there’s also the emotional side. The fear. The overthinking. The Googling you probably shouldn’t be doing.

But honestly, finding myself in a Reddit black hole reading about other women with similar experiences… it made me feel okay. Almost like I could accept that this was my reality, and that maybe it would pass.

And then there’s the waiting.

Waiting to see if things resolve. Waiting for your next appointment. Waiting for reassurance that everything is okay. Looking back, what surprised me the most wasn’t just the diagnosis itself, but how unprepared I felt for something like that to even be a possibility.

Also… why me? It’s my first pregnancy, couldn’t it just be chill?

No one tells you that pregnancy can look like this, too. Not just the glowing, growing version. But the uncertain, confusing, and honestly overwhelming parts.

These days, I feel like I’m knee-deep in women’s health, trying to understand what the hell is actually going on in our bodies. I’ve been reading Blood by Dr. Jen Gunter, and it’s been one of those books that makes you realize how much we were never taught in the first place.

I’m sharing this because if you’re going through something similar, you’re not alone. And also because I wish I had known that this was something that could happen, not to scare myself, but just to be aware.

Pregnancy is beautiful, yes. But it can also be unpredictable. And both can exist at the same time.

x, holy

I’m sore (in the best way), but it felt so good to be back in a space that feels like a safe haven for me. And that place is KKRU. Seeing my instructor and familiar faces welcome me back was really special. One of those moments where you don’t realize how much you missed something until you’re back in it.

I kept it simple and started with Classical Pilates Mat Foundations & Progressions class taught by Dee J, who was amazing and really helped me with a few modifications as I eased back in. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a mat like that, and I didn’t want to rush the process. This felt like the right class to start with.

That said, I didn’t go in completely cold.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve slowly been getting back into movement at home through Alo Wellness Club, specifically Bianca Wise’s Foundation series. It helped me reconnect with the basics and made stepping back into an in-person class feel a lot less intimidating. Plus, I really liked her cues and teaching style. Oh, and did I mention it’s free?

I’ve also been adding in evening walks when I can. Nothing crazy, just an hour to move, clear my head, and be outside. Although, pollen has definitely been my nemesis lately, so it’s been a little hit or miss.

There are also a few Pilates instructors I love and keep coming back to, whether online or in class: Brittany from Sweet Soul Pilates, Toluwa from Pilates by Tee, Kiersten of Well with Kiersten, and Bianca Wise’s Alo répertoire. I also really enjoy a good sculpt class with Raven of PilatesBodyRaven has been my go-to for that. Each of them has such a thoughtful approach to movement, and I always feel good after taking their classes.

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My journey with Pilates really started in March 2024 (okay, two years), and it’s been one of the most grounding forms of movement for me. That said, it doesn’t have to be Pilates for you. I know it’s having a moment (for good reason - Joseph knew what he was doing), and classical Pilates is such a strong, intentional practice, but it doesn’t have to be your thing.

There’s HIIT, sculpt, yoga, walking, strength training, running, core work, barre… so many ways to move your body.

Just move your body, sis!

The goal is to find what moves you and what fits your body in the season you’re in.

Getting back into this rhythm feels really good. At your own pace!

Especially knowing that we’ll be trying again in a few months, I want to feel strong, grounded, and connected to my body. Not in a pressure-filled way, but in a way that feels supportive and intentional.

Right now, this is what that looks like for me. Starting slow. Coming back to the basics. And letting my body lead the way.

x, holy

I’m writing this from Portrait Coffee, sipping on an oat matcha and eating a croissant… so take that as you will. Post-Pilates class life, ha.

There’s a lot of nutrition support and guidance for postpartum that I didn’t get to experience. So when my version of postpartum hit me in the face at almost 16 weeks… I felt unprepared.

My husband and I are forever thankful for the many UberEats gift cards and home-cooked meals our friends sent us. Because honeyyyy, the last place your girl wanted to be was in front of the stove (lol).

After everything my body has been through, I’ve been trying to keep things simple. I’ve been making this dish on repeat, and it will forever be my OG meal. It’s actually one of the first things I learned to cook when I went plant-based almost 20 years ago.

tofu scramble.

It’s also been really practical. I can make a batch and have it ready for a couple of days, which has been helpful on the days where I don’t feel like cooking but still want something nourishing. But honestly, it’s a 50/50 chance I end up eating the whole pot throughout the day. Cue the tostadas and avocados.

From a nutrition standpoint, tofu is just a really good option, especially in a season like this. It’s a great source of plant-based protein, which helps with recovery and keeps you full. It also has iron and calcium, which are both important for supporting the body as it rebuilds after pregnancy and postpartum.

I’m not overthinking it, but I am being more mindful of making sure I’m actually eating meals that support me, especially now that I’m getting back in the kitchen and starting to enjoy it again.

It’s simple, flexible, and exactly what I’ve needed in this season, and every day.

Here’s my go-to tofu scramble:

Sometimes I’ll have it with toast, sometimes with avocado, sometimes just on its own.

It’s nothing fancy, but it’s been exactly what I need right now.

Simple, warm, and nourishing.

x, holy

I think part of me thought I would be pregnant by now, and that this birthday would feel different. When things don’t go the way you imagined, it can make you want to skip the moment altogether. Guilty.

But I had a moment where I reminded myself that I still deserve to be celebrated. I still deserve love and care, even in a season like this. Honestly, even more so in this season. So I decided to make plans and be around people I love, and I’m really glad I did.

It ended up being a really nice weekend. I felt so supported by the people around me, our community. The messages, the time together, all of it meant more than I can explain. And especially my husband, who has truly been my everything through all of this. I don’t know how I would have gotten through these past weeks without him.

We started the festivities with dinner Thursday night, rightfully so. We went to La Semilla, an all plant-based restaurant focused on modern latin cuisine. This wasn’t our first time, but when I saw they had a new menu, I knew I wanted to try it right away. My favourite bites were the nachos (only available on Thursdays) and the blistered carrots.

We also went to my favourite Ethiopian restaurant, Bole Ethiopian. I’m not going to lie, your girl was a little hungover Friday morning, and this meal plus a daytime nap was exactly what I needed. A fair amount of Manhattans, whiskey tonics, and ranch waters were had. And you know what, it was lovely.

I stopped drinking about eight months before we got pregnant, by choice. So it felt nice to just drink and be for a moment. I don’t miss how I feel the next day, but I did miss a Manhattan.

Saturday started the way it should, with an iced oat matcha and a vegan croissant from my favourite coffee shop. We also picked up some doughnuts to share.

There was a Pose event happening that day that I wasn’t able to make, but they sent me the sweetest birthday video. Seeing everyone together meant so much, and I’m so grateful for that community.

Later that day, I gathered my community for drinks and hangs at my favourite whiskey distilleries. We caught up, laughed a lot, and just enjoyed being together. It was perfect, and I’m really glad I ended up sending that Paperless Post.

I’ve also been trying to shift how I think about everything. For a while, I kept coming back to the thought that I should still be pregnant right now. But the truth is, I was pregnant. Even if it didn’t last the way I hoped, it was real, and there’s nothing I could have done differently. That’s been hard to accept, but also freeing in a way.

I also did something that felt really special to me. I went to Catbird (my favourite) and got a permanent bracelet for my baby. It’s simple, but it means everything to me. I catch myself looking at it throughout the day, and it brings me a little bit of comfort every time. And it pairs really well with the two petite Second Avenue bracelets I already have, which makes me love it even more.

I’m moving into the next phase of getting answers and understanding what happened more fully. And for the first time, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming. It feels like I’m moving forward. Because becoming a mother, to a full-term baby, will happen.

If you’re in a season like this too, I’m holding space for you here.

Cheers to 38!

x, holy

At the time, I imagined this space as somewhere I could document my experience as pregnancy unfolded. The things I was learning, the surprises of the first trimester, and the questions that kept popping up along the way.

Some of you might know me from my other publication, @wellbyholy, where I’ve spent years writing about wellness and everyday life. This space felt like a natural place to share a different part of my journey.

But during my second trimester, my pregnancy ended in loss. My first ever pregnancy. Robbed. Gone. Just like that.

Like many women, I suddenly found myself in a season I never expected. A lot of grief, a lot of questions, and trying to understand what my body had just gone through.

For a little while, I wasn’t sure if this space still made sense. But as time passes, I’m realizing more and more that the reason I created plant-based maman still matters.

There are so many parts of the journey to becoming a mother that we simply don’t talk about enough. The prep. The before. The physical changes. The recovery. The emotional shifts. The confusing moments in between. All of it.

Also, hello… postpartum after loss. WTF is all this?

This journey isn’t stopping us from trying again. We’re getting answers, learning as we go, and holding onto hope for the day we’re pregnant again.

I’m learning that grief and hope can exist at the same time. Both are part of the journey to becoming a mother.

So for now, this space will still be what I hoped it could be. A place to talk about the things we don’t hear enough about on the journey to becoming a mother.

If you’ve found your way here, welcome. If you’ve walked through pregnancy loss too, I’m holding space for you here.

- holy