letting myself be celebrated anyway
here’s to 38. not what i imagined, but still so full.
I didn’t plan to do anything for my birthday this year. If I’m honest, I didn’t really feel like celebrating. I went back and forth about sending a Paperless Post invite to celebrate with me.
I think part of me thought I would be pregnant by now, and that this birthday would feel different. When things don’t go the way you imagined, it can make you want to skip the moment altogether. Guilty.
But I had a moment where I reminded myself that I still deserve to be celebrated. I still deserve love and care, even in a season like this. Honestly, even more so in this season. So I decided to make plans and be around people I love, and I’m really glad I did.
It ended up being a really nice weekend. I felt so supported by the people around me, our community. The messages, the time together, all of it meant more than I can explain. And especially my husband, who has truly been my everything through all of this. I don’t know how I would have gotten through these past weeks without him.
We started the festivities with dinner Thursday night, rightfully so. We went to La Semilla, an all plant-based restaurant focused on modern latin cuisine. This wasn’t our first time, but when I saw they had a new menu, I knew I wanted to try it right away. My favourite bites were the nachos (only available on Thursdays) and the blistered carrots.
We also went to my favourite Ethiopian restaurant, Bole Ethiopian. I’m not going to lie, your girl was a little hungover Friday morning, and this meal plus a daytime nap was exactly what I needed. A fair amount of Manhattans, whiskey tonics, and ranch waters were had. And you know what, it was lovely.
I stopped drinking about eight months before we got pregnant, by choice. So it felt nice to just drink and be for a moment. I don’t miss how I feel the next day, but I did miss a Manhattan.
Saturday started the way it should, with an iced oat matcha and a vegan croissant from my favourite coffee shop. We also picked up some doughnuts to share.
There was a Pose event happening that day that I wasn’t able to make, but they sent me the sweetest birthday video. Seeing everyone together meant so much, and I’m so grateful for that community.
Later that day, I gathered my community for drinks and hangs at my favourite whiskey distilleries. We caught up, laughed a lot, and just enjoyed being together. It was perfect, and I’m really glad I ended up sending that Paperless Post.
I’ve also been trying to shift how I think about everything. For a while, I kept coming back to the thought that I should still be pregnant right now. But the truth is, I was pregnant. Even if it didn’t last the way I hoped, it was real, and there’s nothing I could have done differently. That’s been hard to accept, but also freeing in a way.
I also did something that felt really special to me. I went to Catbird (my favourite) and got a permanent bracelet for my baby. It’s simple, but it means everything to me. I catch myself looking at it throughout the day, and it brings me a little bit of comfort every time. And it pairs really well with the two petite Second Avenue bracelets I already have, which makes me love it even more.
I’m moving into the next phase of getting answers and understanding what happened more fully. And for the first time, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming. It feels like I’m moving forward. Because becoming a mother, to a full-term baby, will happen.
If you’re in a season like this too, I’m holding space for you here.
Cheers to 38!
x, holy
Happy birthdayyy <3 Although I can imagine this is a very tough time, i’m equally happy you decided to celebrate. You’re in my thoughts and prayers and may God multiply your blessings. thank you for sharing this!!